Reality check

I did end up getting my mood dip, two days after the missed dose. It wasn't as severe or as long-lasting as the one before I added Effexor and 5-HTP so serotonin is a factor. The other major dysfunction is attention, which has been going very poorly since Effexor re-entered the equation. It could be because of Effexor, or it could be the last thing to correct itself after the depression of early February. I was laying in bed this morning, scanning my outlook and am now almost certain that at least half of the problem is that I'm incapable of finishing anything. It's very demoralizing to be living such a thoroughly unfulfilling, and hence depressing, life.

Is going off meds really the best use of my energy at this particular time? It is a complete life-suck! I have fewer mental faculties to analyze an increasingly subtle and more complex situation, while trying to gain some traction in other areas of my life. Am I just self-sabotaging by biting this off at this point?

I've now engaged two additional health/mental health providers, one of which (acupuncture) is going to cost me a pretty penny; and in the meantime have to decide whether to drop Dr. W---- as my psych, and how therapy with Charles is to go forward. That's a lot of variables to be managing in a state of confusion and exhaustion and subject to lapses of depression. Additionally, there is the hard limitation that my professional situation also needs focused attention; attention I simply cannot muster!

Grr! This is so not what I wanted to be doing this year! I was going to shape my future and build more fun into my life. Instead, I feel more stuck than ever in the remnants of my former life with Jason.

I have come to one conclusion from reading online resources for adults with ADHD: I start too many projects. My house has become a de facto unfinished project graveyard, and every carcass is a reproach. I'm surrounded! I need to get organized, and start by culling some projects.

I've already rearranged the living space to reflect this intention: Where before I had a conversation area (albeit one infringed upon by the moped - yet another unfinished project) I am setting up a study area for computer and desk work. Whatever clothing or fabric items I can't put away I'll get rid of, and no more can be acquired until the reserves dwindle by at least two projects.

The kitchen needs a complete head to toe, and I need to make a firm commitment to doing the dishes within a day of their use. It ocurred to me the other day that I always tip without fail, and that when eating at home there should be a similar inalienability between eating and washing the dishes.

(I can feel the coffee kicking in. I've started drinking it now and again, and so far my stomach has not reacted too adversely. It does make it harder to tell what the medications and acupuncture are doing, but it's nice to at least have the opportunity, occasional as it may be, to be able to think through a full thought.

In addition to a personal organizing system, I think I need a mood log to record my shifting states. Coming up with metrics that I'll actually be able to assess regularly and that'll be useful is the challenge. And actually logging them, but that almost goes without saying. I've been wanting to get an iPhone, but maybe and iPod Touch that I can use as a PDA is more realistic.

I also need to establish a budget. Acupuncture twice a week at $70 a pop is a significant cost, and I'm not sure I can actually afford it. I might have to re-evaluate this schedule, and make cuts in other areas of expenditure if I decide to go forward with it.

Basically I need to realign my priorities and shave off the extraneous. That's really hard since I excel at said extraneous activities while the essentials tend to be areas of deficit, but it's what I need to conquer if my life is to change in any significant way.

I have half an hour before I have to leave for acupuncture, so I'm going to get started designing the affect log.