It sure took a while, but I'm finally coming around to some stability. There is still plenty of confusion, but it's no longer the sharp, bewildering threat to my existence that it was last month. Once again I am larger than it is. Phew!
Yesterday I confirmed my appointment with Dr. S------ and put my acupuncture treatment on hold until next month to avoid blowing out my budget. This was in contradiction to advice from both Sunny and Mike, my opposite extremes, and I think it indicates the return of my own opinion.
The weird element is that I'm now doing a self-indulgent teenager routine, staying up late watching Firefly and then sleeping in until 10am on a weekday. At work I'm unmotivated (although I'm never motivated after 4 hours of front desk duty.) What does it mean? Maybe it's my MO to spread my energy around when I feel it returning; an MO I need to change. I need to focus. I need to make an outline of what I want to talk about with Dr. S------ on Thursday, and by extension, the goals for my treatment this year.
The broad goals are to treat depression and inattention. But in treating them, side effects become issues of their own accord: the jittery inattention, impeded memory and sexual side effects from Effexor make it only a so-so trade off. The question now is whether 5-HTP and other nutritionally based interventions, along with exercise, CBT and therapy can create an approach where these side effects don't figure. Because it crosses specialities and disciplines it's a longshot, but I'm prepared to be diligent and thorough like never before in the interest of moving my life forward in a real and lasting way.
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