Saying yes to more

Last night I went to an acupuncturist for the first time. The woman who worked on me also did cupping, which consists of applying glass cups to your back and then creating a vacuum in them to suck toxins out of your body. She did this at least 30 times, all over my spine and different spots around my back. I can say this with conficence because my back is very sore and covered in purple circular bruises, but I did feel better afterwards and still do today.

I had also just increased Effexor to 75mg the day before so I can't conclusively say it was the acupuncture/cupping, but I'm keeping an open mind. Maybe I'll lower the Effexor to 50mg next week as a control since I have two acupuncture sessions scheduled for each of the next two weeks. That should be enough time to establish causality.

The stuff's not cheap either, and only 30% of it is covered by my health insurance, but if western medicine isn't resolving my problem it makes sense to look at alternatives. And I'd rather spend my money on my health than on clothes or stuff for the house.

Adjustments

So last night I stayed up too late and caught a sore throat. Does that mean I deserve to be bedridden today? And what's more, feel horribly about myself? This is unacceptable and it's clearly medication/depression-driven.

In the meantime, my psychiatrist is still on vacation and his possible replacement won't have an appointment for me for almost another month. So I have to work out on my own what I'm going to do here.

I started the year saying yes to things, but this strategy clearly has to be attenuated to realistically reflect my resources. What's happened is I've said yes to everything indiscriminately while at the same time my mood is contracting at a rate alarmingly similar to that of the economy. So I have to cull some of the stuff I said yes to and set up tiers of priorities for my fluctuating energy level.

First the list of current projects and commitments:

- knit Thomás' blanket
- Skype with Max and Karina
- learn Flash and Actionscript 3
- read Catfish and Mandala by March 15
- cull and organize fabric pile
- finish plaid shirt
- plan Cambodia trip with Andy
- make clothes for Cambodia trip
- fix moped
- do taxes with Matt
- file for divorce
- pay off debt
- meet/date guys
- clean/organize kitchen
- stop getting sick!!!! Get a hat!
- sort out medication
- establish an exercise regime
- establish a monthly budget
- start saving

There's more, but these are the bulk of the stuff that circles my consciousness on a regular basis so it's what I have to sort through to free up mental space.

What's missing

Okay, it's resuming, this downward slide toward depression. I've been listening to "The How of Happiness" on CD and am reminded of everything I've forgotten about the mechanics of depression: the triggers, the self-reinforcing patterns; and I feel an urgency to formulate a strategy to counteract it.

So what's missing in my life? What am I not doing that I need to start doing? For one thing, I don't have enough (1) relationships that matter. In fact, relationships stress me out, which makes me avoid them, which reinforces the isolation. So I have to figure out how to negotiate relationships. All of the ones that I've sidelined because I don't have the bandwidth. Especially if I'm not going back to the Samaritans I need to be answerable to the people in my life.

Also, (2) continuity. Whether it's depression, Asperger's or ADHD that's responsible I can't just keep going from field to field, never acquiring expertise, never finishing anything. I need to build upward and forward. I don't need a fresh start; I need progress. I need to learn how to synthesize and develop.

(3) Exercise. I just got out of yoga and feel so much better than I've been in the past two days. I've been mopey and deflated, and it shows! People have remarked that I don't look happy. I have to make time and emotional space for exercise. Maybe add another activity in addition to yoga. But what?

(4) Visualize my future. I'm coming to the conclusion that I just have no idea what I want my life to be like, and it kind of makes sense: for six years Jason had set the beat for our lives. Now that he's gone I don't know what that beat should be. I was so much younger six years ago that that doesn't inform my situation now. Am I going to be a producer of culture? Am I going to be a consumer? Would I be content to settle down with a hard-working suburban husband? Do I need to move to San Francisco? If I want to shape the outcome of my life I can't just wait for these questions to answer themselves.

Finally, the glue that holds it all together is (5) discipline. I need to intentionally cultivate optimism; cut short the negative overthinking; live in the moment; and enjoy it. These are things I have practiced and benefited from before, but which have eluded me of late. And only I can make these into my priorities. I have to handle stress better since it's the trigger that brings the whole thing down. I need to devise and stick to better life systems. I can no longer just fly by the seat of my pants. It's time to set some order and stick to it.

This last part is going to be the most difficult. I have never developed a habit I didn't break; or started something I didn't get sick of. Staying engaged turns out to be the most crucial part of life, and it's the single lesson I've flunked the most times. In school I'd get in juust under the wire because I was smart and tested well, but in life it's about stamina and dedication. I may need to get a coach to keep me on track; or CBT; or both. This is the long haul.

Coming up for air

I don't know what happened to my mental state in the last couple of weeks. I don't know if it was a delayed Effexor crash or some crazy combination of sickness, exhaustion, stress and PMS. Or maybe it was an aggregate of all of those things plus the Effexor crash. It started out as many depressions before it had: slow, heavy, and murky. But I was also feeling so much older and less healthy than I had ever been during previous depressions. I had just received news of my last living grandmother's passing, which did nothing to remove sickness and mortality from my thoughts.

By Thursday of that week my mood had devolved to complete despair and confusion and I considered suicide as an option for the first time ever. That was indeed very scary and finally prompted me to reach out to Jessie, Mike, Sunny, Martha, and on Jessie's urging, Charles. Acknowledging the acuteness of the pain was helpful in getting it under control, and then accepting that restarting Effexor might be the only good choice was the beginning of the recovery trajectory. In the end -- and I'm not sure that it is in fact over -- a small dose of Effexor seemed to help to stabilize me, although I started taking it last Monday, and my mood didn't really right itself until Thursday night when I went out drinking with people from work.

That night deciding to go out in itself was of some controversy with Sunny, who warned that alcohol would only aggravate my depression. But I knew from previous experiences that alcohol is uniquely useful for breaking a thought logjam and figured it might do the same for a mood rut. It worked. I was so glad of it in fact, that I wasn't even upset after I passed out and hit a metal door with my cheek, giving myself a shiner I'm still nursing. If I've learned -- or rather, been reminded of -- anything it's that where depression is concerned you have to take the good moments wherever you can get them. Hunkering down is a total fallacy of depressed thinking. You don't get used to depression; it imprisons you.

Friday saw my mood much improved, but it was also when I got my period, hence the causal tossup between Effexor, alcohol and hormones. It wasn't an aggressive or manic correction, but the needle had definitely made it onto the positive side of the dial despite occasional wobbles. Over the long weekend I made an effort to keep busy even when it meant ignoring the feelings of confusion and tiredness, and maintaining that momentum may be another key to staving off depression.

So I still don't know what happened to me in early February. I was like a teenager swinging from suicidal ideation to passing out drunk to ho-hum totally fine -- which would support the PMS hypothesis, except I can't recall ever having PMS so severe in my life.

Now if I can just get rid of this confusion I'll be satisfied that I'm out of it completely. But again, it could be akathisia from being back on Effexor. My knee's shaking again...

In need of a jump here

I am in a black mood and there's no end in sight. It's been going on roughly since Monday, when I had a nasty crash from missing Wellbutrin on Saturday, and although there have been intervening recoveries and plateaus I've been getting steadily more confused, depressed and hopeless. And now it's been 5 days from the missed dose. This has to be related to Effexor. Right?

Some stuff I want to do/make:

1. A Claes Oldenburg-style food object couch. I first got the idea at MoMA, from the slice of cake sculpture. It's just so awesome and gets better every time, and I want one in my house. I might make it a slice of cake, pie, or pizza; or maybe an oblong shape like a hotdog or chili dog would be better suited to being used as furniture, I don't know yet. But I get excited every time I think about it, and it'll be so much fun to make!

2. Go to Southeast Asia. I have been putting off travel all of my adult life until I had the money and opportunity to travel without guilt or massive disruptions to my life, and now these conditions have finally been met. It's more important than just visiting a new country; it's about exercising my agency in my own life instead of continuously accommodating other people's needs and expectations.

3. Travel clothes for SE Asia. This would consist of very few pieces, each optimized for comfort, long wear, SPF, weight, quick drying and photo opps! An entire collection! Granted I have to get started yesterday but what could be cooler in 30 degree C weather than awesome built to purpose clothing?

4. Learn Actionscript. Okay, this is one of my year's resolutions, but I can't stand not knowing a programming language any longer so I'm including it here. It's starting to really drive me nuts and I've got it in my head that it's the key to greater professional fulfillment. Maybe all it'll do is prove that I'm absolutely not suited to programming, but it's the only way to find out. I'm just waiting for my CS4 upgrade so I can rightfully order books and get reimbursed.

5. Learn intarsia knitting. Julie is such an inspiration with her knitting zeal! I totally want to make cool scarves and a sweater vest with awesome one of a kind designs and a little jumper for baby Thomás. In fact I want to have at least one piece to wear by next winter.

6. Gluten-free pastéis. It's such a cliché and I don't even technically fit into it, but there's got to be some deep secretly Japanese-Brazilian part of me that misses pastéis more than any other food from my childhood. I don't know how this came to be, but I have to figure out how to get that hard, flat, crumbly water cracker texture out of alternative flours. That alone can be my contribution to the gluten-free lexicon and I'd be proud.

7. While we're on the subject of dough, gluten-free dumplings would be awesome. After having that incredible soy/vinegar/chili/scallion dipping sauce at Sunny's the questing desire to discover a plyable, adherent alternative to wheat flour wrappers has been reignited within me.

8. Date men casually. For me at least, this is a whole lot harder than it sounds. As a serial monogamist with autistic tendencies not becoming instantly attached may be the single hardest thing I'll ever have to learn. But the stakes are very high and I can't afford another six year nearmiss, so this is a skill I need to acquire in order to get on with my life and pick someone suitable to partner with.

9. And since we're on the topic of human relationships, make one more friend. Forget tier one versus tier two, I just need one other person in the Boston area I can do stuff with. Maybe I can apply my newfound Myers-Briggs recommendations to assist me in conjuring a new platonic friend out of thin air.

10. Quit Wellbutrin. I just had another nasty mood crash today. They're so totally insidious because they come on 24, 48 hours after the lapsed dose, I can't even remember. The major trepidation is the prospect of a return to clinical depression, which terrifies me, but this is the quintessential scenario where nothing can be gained without something being ventured.