What's missing

Okay, it's resuming, this downward slide toward depression. I've been listening to "The How of Happiness" on CD and am reminded of everything I've forgotten about the mechanics of depression: the triggers, the self-reinforcing patterns; and I feel an urgency to formulate a strategy to counteract it.

So what's missing in my life? What am I not doing that I need to start doing? For one thing, I don't have enough (1) relationships that matter. In fact, relationships stress me out, which makes me avoid them, which reinforces the isolation. So I have to figure out how to negotiate relationships. All of the ones that I've sidelined because I don't have the bandwidth. Especially if I'm not going back to the Samaritans I need to be answerable to the people in my life.

Also, (2) continuity. Whether it's depression, Asperger's or ADHD that's responsible I can't just keep going from field to field, never acquiring expertise, never finishing anything. I need to build upward and forward. I don't need a fresh start; I need progress. I need to learn how to synthesize and develop.

(3) Exercise. I just got out of yoga and feel so much better than I've been in the past two days. I've been mopey and deflated, and it shows! People have remarked that I don't look happy. I have to make time and emotional space for exercise. Maybe add another activity in addition to yoga. But what?

(4) Visualize my future. I'm coming to the conclusion that I just have no idea what I want my life to be like, and it kind of makes sense: for six years Jason had set the beat for our lives. Now that he's gone I don't know what that beat should be. I was so much younger six years ago that that doesn't inform my situation now. Am I going to be a producer of culture? Am I going to be a consumer? Would I be content to settle down with a hard-working suburban husband? Do I need to move to San Francisco? If I want to shape the outcome of my life I can't just wait for these questions to answer themselves.

Finally, the glue that holds it all together is (5) discipline. I need to intentionally cultivate optimism; cut short the negative overthinking; live in the moment; and enjoy it. These are things I have practiced and benefited from before, but which have eluded me of late. And only I can make these into my priorities. I have to handle stress better since it's the trigger that brings the whole thing down. I need to devise and stick to better life systems. I can no longer just fly by the seat of my pants. It's time to set some order and stick to it.

This last part is going to be the most difficult. I have never developed a habit I didn't break; or started something I didn't get sick of. Staying engaged turns out to be the most crucial part of life, and it's the single lesson I've flunked the most times. In school I'd get in juust under the wire because I was smart and tested well, but in life it's about stamina and dedication. I may need to get a coach to keep me on track; or CBT; or both. This is the long haul.