Resolve

It sure took a while, but I'm finally coming around to some stability. There is still plenty of confusion, but it's no longer the sharp, bewildering threat to my existence that it was last month. Once again I am larger than it is. Phew!

Yesterday I confirmed my appointment with Dr. S------ and put my acupuncture treatment on hold until next month to avoid blowing out my budget. This was in contradiction to advice from both Sunny and Mike, my opposite extremes, and I think it indicates the return of my own opinion.

The weird element is that I'm now doing a self-indulgent teenager routine, staying up late watching Firefly and then sleeping in until 10am on a weekday. At work I'm unmotivated (although I'm never motivated after 4 hours of front desk duty.) What does it mean? Maybe it's my MO to spread my energy around when I feel it returning; an MO I need to change. I need to focus. I need to make an outline of what I want to talk about with Dr. S------ on Thursday, and by extension, the goals for my treatment this year.

The broad goals are to treat depression and inattention. But in treating them, side effects become issues of their own accord: the jittery inattention, impeded memory and sexual side effects from Effexor make it only a so-so trade off. The question now is whether 5-HTP and other nutritionally based interventions, along with exercise, CBT and therapy can create an approach where these side effects don't figure. Because it crosses specialities and disciplines it's a longshot, but I'm prepared to be diligent and thorough like never before in the interest of moving my life forward in a real and lasting way.

Reality check

I did end up getting my mood dip, two days after the missed dose. It wasn't as severe or as long-lasting as the one before I added Effexor and 5-HTP so serotonin is a factor. The other major dysfunction is attention, which has been going very poorly since Effexor re-entered the equation. It could be because of Effexor, or it could be the last thing to correct itself after the depression of early February. I was laying in bed this morning, scanning my outlook and am now almost certain that at least half of the problem is that I'm incapable of finishing anything. It's very demoralizing to be living such a thoroughly unfulfilling, and hence depressing, life.

Is going off meds really the best use of my energy at this particular time? It is a complete life-suck! I have fewer mental faculties to analyze an increasingly subtle and more complex situation, while trying to gain some traction in other areas of my life. Am I just self-sabotaging by biting this off at this point?

I've now engaged two additional health/mental health providers, one of which (acupuncture) is going to cost me a pretty penny; and in the meantime have to decide whether to drop Dr. W---- as my psych, and how therapy with Charles is to go forward. That's a lot of variables to be managing in a state of confusion and exhaustion and subject to lapses of depression. Additionally, there is the hard limitation that my professional situation also needs focused attention; attention I simply cannot muster!

Grr! This is so not what I wanted to be doing this year! I was going to shape my future and build more fun into my life. Instead, I feel more stuck than ever in the remnants of my former life with Jason.

I have come to one conclusion from reading online resources for adults with ADHD: I start too many projects. My house has become a de facto unfinished project graveyard, and every carcass is a reproach. I'm surrounded! I need to get organized, and start by culling some projects.

I've already rearranged the living space to reflect this intention: Where before I had a conversation area (albeit one infringed upon by the moped - yet another unfinished project) I am setting up a study area for computer and desk work. Whatever clothing or fabric items I can't put away I'll get rid of, and no more can be acquired until the reserves dwindle by at least two projects.

The kitchen needs a complete head to toe, and I need to make a firm commitment to doing the dishes within a day of their use. It ocurred to me the other day that I always tip without fail, and that when eating at home there should be a similar inalienability between eating and washing the dishes.

(I can feel the coffee kicking in. I've started drinking it now and again, and so far my stomach has not reacted too adversely. It does make it harder to tell what the medications and acupuncture are doing, but it's nice to at least have the opportunity, occasional as it may be, to be able to think through a full thought.

In addition to a personal organizing system, I think I need a mood log to record my shifting states. Coming up with metrics that I'll actually be able to assess regularly and that'll be useful is the challenge. And actually logging them, but that almost goes without saying. I've been wanting to get an iPhone, but maybe and iPod Touch that I can use as a PDA is more realistic.

I also need to establish a budget. Acupuncture twice a week at $70 a pop is a significant cost, and I'm not sure I can actually afford it. I might have to re-evaluate this schedule, and make cuts in other areas of expenditure if I decide to go forward with it.

Basically I need to realign my priorities and shave off the extraneous. That's really hard since I excel at said extraneous activities while the essentials tend to be areas of deficit, but it's what I need to conquer if my life is to change in any significant way.

I have half an hour before I have to leave for acupuncture, so I'm going to get started designing the affect log.

Progress report

Yesterday I forgot to take my meds (and supplements) until late at night. Toward the middle of the afternoon my attention started to fray significantly and I could no longer do any complex work. I had some coffee hoping the energy boost would help but it didn't and only made me jittery as well as distracted. As soon as I realized that I had missed the dose I took it, cringing at the withdrawal I would suffer today. Only it didn't come! I love 5-HTP! I have buoyancy!

Saying yes to more

Last night I went to an acupuncturist for the first time. The woman who worked on me also did cupping, which consists of applying glass cups to your back and then creating a vacuum in them to suck toxins out of your body. She did this at least 30 times, all over my spine and different spots around my back. I can say this with conficence because my back is very sore and covered in purple circular bruises, but I did feel better afterwards and still do today.

I had also just increased Effexor to 75mg the day before so I can't conclusively say it was the acupuncture/cupping, but I'm keeping an open mind. Maybe I'll lower the Effexor to 50mg next week as a control since I have two acupuncture sessions scheduled for each of the next two weeks. That should be enough time to establish causality.

The stuff's not cheap either, and only 30% of it is covered by my health insurance, but if western medicine isn't resolving my problem it makes sense to look at alternatives. And I'd rather spend my money on my health than on clothes or stuff for the house.

Adjustments

So last night I stayed up too late and caught a sore throat. Does that mean I deserve to be bedridden today? And what's more, feel horribly about myself? This is unacceptable and it's clearly medication/depression-driven.

In the meantime, my psychiatrist is still on vacation and his possible replacement won't have an appointment for me for almost another month. So I have to work out on my own what I'm going to do here.

I started the year saying yes to things, but this strategy clearly has to be attenuated to realistically reflect my resources. What's happened is I've said yes to everything indiscriminately while at the same time my mood is contracting at a rate alarmingly similar to that of the economy. So I have to cull some of the stuff I said yes to and set up tiers of priorities for my fluctuating energy level.

First the list of current projects and commitments:

- knit Thomás' blanket
- Skype with Max and Karina
- learn Flash and Actionscript 3
- read Catfish and Mandala by March 15
- cull and organize fabric pile
- finish plaid shirt
- plan Cambodia trip with Andy
- make clothes for Cambodia trip
- fix moped
- do taxes with Matt
- file for divorce
- pay off debt
- meet/date guys
- clean/organize kitchen
- stop getting sick!!!! Get a hat!
- sort out medication
- establish an exercise regime
- establish a monthly budget
- start saving

There's more, but these are the bulk of the stuff that circles my consciousness on a regular basis so it's what I have to sort through to free up mental space.

What's missing

Okay, it's resuming, this downward slide toward depression. I've been listening to "The How of Happiness" on CD and am reminded of everything I've forgotten about the mechanics of depression: the triggers, the self-reinforcing patterns; and I feel an urgency to formulate a strategy to counteract it.

So what's missing in my life? What am I not doing that I need to start doing? For one thing, I don't have enough (1) relationships that matter. In fact, relationships stress me out, which makes me avoid them, which reinforces the isolation. So I have to figure out how to negotiate relationships. All of the ones that I've sidelined because I don't have the bandwidth. Especially if I'm not going back to the Samaritans I need to be answerable to the people in my life.

Also, (2) continuity. Whether it's depression, Asperger's or ADHD that's responsible I can't just keep going from field to field, never acquiring expertise, never finishing anything. I need to build upward and forward. I don't need a fresh start; I need progress. I need to learn how to synthesize and develop.

(3) Exercise. I just got out of yoga and feel so much better than I've been in the past two days. I've been mopey and deflated, and it shows! People have remarked that I don't look happy. I have to make time and emotional space for exercise. Maybe add another activity in addition to yoga. But what?

(4) Visualize my future. I'm coming to the conclusion that I just have no idea what I want my life to be like, and it kind of makes sense: for six years Jason had set the beat for our lives. Now that he's gone I don't know what that beat should be. I was so much younger six years ago that that doesn't inform my situation now. Am I going to be a producer of culture? Am I going to be a consumer? Would I be content to settle down with a hard-working suburban husband? Do I need to move to San Francisco? If I want to shape the outcome of my life I can't just wait for these questions to answer themselves.

Finally, the glue that holds it all together is (5) discipline. I need to intentionally cultivate optimism; cut short the negative overthinking; live in the moment; and enjoy it. These are things I have practiced and benefited from before, but which have eluded me of late. And only I can make these into my priorities. I have to handle stress better since it's the trigger that brings the whole thing down. I need to devise and stick to better life systems. I can no longer just fly by the seat of my pants. It's time to set some order and stick to it.

This last part is going to be the most difficult. I have never developed a habit I didn't break; or started something I didn't get sick of. Staying engaged turns out to be the most crucial part of life, and it's the single lesson I've flunked the most times. In school I'd get in juust under the wire because I was smart and tested well, but in life it's about stamina and dedication. I may need to get a coach to keep me on track; or CBT; or both. This is the long haul.

Coming up for air

I don't know what happened to my mental state in the last couple of weeks. I don't know if it was a delayed Effexor crash or some crazy combination of sickness, exhaustion, stress and PMS. Or maybe it was an aggregate of all of those things plus the Effexor crash. It started out as many depressions before it had: slow, heavy, and murky. But I was also feeling so much older and less healthy than I had ever been during previous depressions. I had just received news of my last living grandmother's passing, which did nothing to remove sickness and mortality from my thoughts.

By Thursday of that week my mood had devolved to complete despair and confusion and I considered suicide as an option for the first time ever. That was indeed very scary and finally prompted me to reach out to Jessie, Mike, Sunny, Martha, and on Jessie's urging, Charles. Acknowledging the acuteness of the pain was helpful in getting it under control, and then accepting that restarting Effexor might be the only good choice was the beginning of the recovery trajectory. In the end -- and I'm not sure that it is in fact over -- a small dose of Effexor seemed to help to stabilize me, although I started taking it last Monday, and my mood didn't really right itself until Thursday night when I went out drinking with people from work.

That night deciding to go out in itself was of some controversy with Sunny, who warned that alcohol would only aggravate my depression. But I knew from previous experiences that alcohol is uniquely useful for breaking a thought logjam and figured it might do the same for a mood rut. It worked. I was so glad of it in fact, that I wasn't even upset after I passed out and hit a metal door with my cheek, giving myself a shiner I'm still nursing. If I've learned -- or rather, been reminded of -- anything it's that where depression is concerned you have to take the good moments wherever you can get them. Hunkering down is a total fallacy of depressed thinking. You don't get used to depression; it imprisons you.

Friday saw my mood much improved, but it was also when I got my period, hence the causal tossup between Effexor, alcohol and hormones. It wasn't an aggressive or manic correction, but the needle had definitely made it onto the positive side of the dial despite occasional wobbles. Over the long weekend I made an effort to keep busy even when it meant ignoring the feelings of confusion and tiredness, and maintaining that momentum may be another key to staving off depression.

So I still don't know what happened to me in early February. I was like a teenager swinging from suicidal ideation to passing out drunk to ho-hum totally fine -- which would support the PMS hypothesis, except I can't recall ever having PMS so severe in my life.

Now if I can just get rid of this confusion I'll be satisfied that I'm out of it completely. But again, it could be akathisia from being back on Effexor. My knee's shaking again...

In need of a jump here

I am in a black mood and there's no end in sight. It's been going on roughly since Monday, when I had a nasty crash from missing Wellbutrin on Saturday, and although there have been intervening recoveries and plateaus I've been getting steadily more confused, depressed and hopeless. And now it's been 5 days from the missed dose. This has to be related to Effexor. Right?

Some stuff I want to do/make:

1. A Claes Oldenburg-style food object couch. I first got the idea at MoMA, from the slice of cake sculpture. It's just so awesome and gets better every time, and I want one in my house. I might make it a slice of cake, pie, or pizza; or maybe an oblong shape like a hotdog or chili dog would be better suited to being used as furniture, I don't know yet. But I get excited every time I think about it, and it'll be so much fun to make!

2. Go to Southeast Asia. I have been putting off travel all of my adult life until I had the money and opportunity to travel without guilt or massive disruptions to my life, and now these conditions have finally been met. It's more important than just visiting a new country; it's about exercising my agency in my own life instead of continuously accommodating other people's needs and expectations.

3. Travel clothes for SE Asia. This would consist of very few pieces, each optimized for comfort, long wear, SPF, weight, quick drying and photo opps! An entire collection! Granted I have to get started yesterday but what could be cooler in 30 degree C weather than awesome built to purpose clothing?

4. Learn Actionscript. Okay, this is one of my year's resolutions, but I can't stand not knowing a programming language any longer so I'm including it here. It's starting to really drive me nuts and I've got it in my head that it's the key to greater professional fulfillment. Maybe all it'll do is prove that I'm absolutely not suited to programming, but it's the only way to find out. I'm just waiting for my CS4 upgrade so I can rightfully order books and get reimbursed.

5. Learn intarsia knitting. Julie is such an inspiration with her knitting zeal! I totally want to make cool scarves and a sweater vest with awesome one of a kind designs and a little jumper for baby Thomás. In fact I want to have at least one piece to wear by next winter.

6. Gluten-free pastéis. It's such a cliché and I don't even technically fit into it, but there's got to be some deep secretly Japanese-Brazilian part of me that misses pastéis more than any other food from my childhood. I don't know how this came to be, but I have to figure out how to get that hard, flat, crumbly water cracker texture out of alternative flours. That alone can be my contribution to the gluten-free lexicon and I'd be proud.

7. While we're on the subject of dough, gluten-free dumplings would be awesome. After having that incredible soy/vinegar/chili/scallion dipping sauce at Sunny's the questing desire to discover a plyable, adherent alternative to wheat flour wrappers has been reignited within me.

8. Date men casually. For me at least, this is a whole lot harder than it sounds. As a serial monogamist with autistic tendencies not becoming instantly attached may be the single hardest thing I'll ever have to learn. But the stakes are very high and I can't afford another six year nearmiss, so this is a skill I need to acquire in order to get on with my life and pick someone suitable to partner with.

9. And since we're on the topic of human relationships, make one more friend. Forget tier one versus tier two, I just need one other person in the Boston area I can do stuff with. Maybe I can apply my newfound Myers-Briggs recommendations to assist me in conjuring a new platonic friend out of thin air.

10. Quit Wellbutrin. I just had another nasty mood crash today. They're so totally insidious because they come on 24, 48 hours after the lapsed dose, I can't even remember. The major trepidation is the prospect of a return to clinical depression, which terrifies me, but this is the quintessential scenario where nothing can be gained without something being ventured.

Go on sic the new year on me

So it is that I went from perfect health in 9 degree New England weather to the tropics and came back nursing a chest infection. Although in all honesty it was probably just an upper respiratory infection before I pulled three consecutive nights of crap sleep to go to New York for Sunny's dumpling party. I'm saying yes to things this year. I couldn't have stayed home for my birthday. This year is about doing, going, becoming. Barring stuff that'll get me pneumonia, fired or killed (and even then...) it seems like the thing to do.

I've been overly conservative in my energy expenditure and need a change in management.

the 26th

The 26th itself bordered on the surreal as is the case whenever I don't get enough sleep. Stayed up late prepping the donut flour mix and ended up getting only about five hours' sleep.

People at work were sweet. Everyone complemented me on how cute a baby Thomás is, and how much Max and I look alike. It was a homecoming of sorts, in a cheery mundane way that was all the more moving. Ab Initio is the first place where I've felt a part of a larger community where people aren't exactly friends but still have an interest in my life. Maybe it's the first time that I've shared any part of my life with people around me, I don't know. Would it be robotic to say it feels... human? These passively attained landmarks in my social development can still be so surprising. I guess it's all a testament to how far I've come since being so apoplectic with shyness in college that I couldn't bear to look my classmates in the eye.

The drive to NYC went quickly once I'd had a power nap at one of the early service stations en route. I needed it very badly. Thank god Sunny decided not to go to Andy's drinks thing. I was cold, hungry and beyond wiped out by the time I reached Brooklyn, even if it was only 10pm. As birthdays go I was going to have to pace myself.

Day Zero

Despite its impromptu nature the trip to Brazil was actually pretty dense, emotionally speaking. In addition to the arrival of my first nephew, Thomás, it was a statement of demarcation between the way I regarded the house in which I grew up and my parents' new high rise condo. This place never has been nor will ever be my home with its bizarre segregation of "company" space and living space; with the dog held prisoner in the dark, thick carpeted corridor and family spaces full of ad hoc chinese moldings, pulled out wall sockets and hodgepodge crappy furniture; and the cat exiled to the bright but utterly still company room where all of the nice furniture and rugs congregate in a poorly curated exhibit about my family's domestic life. No, this place might contain the artifacts of my childhood but it serves none of the same functions as the old place.

Then as the week wore on, and particularly after I agreed to make a painting for my mom and started using one of the side rooms as a studio, I came to really like it there. In particular the studio with its bare hardwood flooring (unlike the main receiving room, crammed full of persian rugs), I found reminiscent of the old house while at the same time free from all its baggage.

There was nowhere in the old house where I could have had the space, mental or physical, let alone the light and ventilation to make a painting. In fact, there had never been any space in the old house within which to create much of any sort, and this awareness made me both pained at all the years of repression and relieved at their end. The few sad paintings I did make in all the years I had lived and visited there had been such clandestine projects, undertaken in the ill-lit, poorly-ventillated cramped quarters of my bedroom, or angled precariously between the wall panels to opportunistically capture a slice of natural light during peak daylight hours, all the while offending the stern modern lines of the house. They too were all gone now, the tawdry things.

This clear and blank space was undoubtedly a factor in my being able to finish a painting in three days, lightning fast even for me. It was a liberating experience which helped unlock the other liberating dimensions of the trip. It was so liberating that I didn't even take offense when my mom asked me "how many more coats" it would take before I was done. Since I don't live there and she doesn't define my life, I can laugh at the English slippage like any stranger would have.

Here's what a 10-hour painting looks like:

Before the beginning

Let's set parameters, if only for this preliminary step before things become involved and run away from the original intent.

This is going to be a repository for events and a forum for issues that I deal with this coming year, between my thirty-fifth and thirty-sixth birthdays. There's so much changing, gelling and revealing itself right now that for the first time in years I feel that keeping a record of the process is in order. I am single again for the first time since late 2002. That's over six years. In a way it's back to square one romantically, but it's also (hopefully) the end of the dry runs. This is where I need to start to really focus on what I'm going to do next, not just romantically, but in terms of career, location, financial situation, everything. So I'm keeping the selection of topics an open one in the expectation that I will be dealing with it all, to some degree or another this year.

Finally, because it has been so long since I've written anything more than emails, this will be a year-long exercise in finding my voice again. I'm quite curious to find out how it has changed since I was 20.